The People That May Not Find Peace In Marriage
There are some people that may never find peace in marriage irrespective of who they marry or get married to. It is not a curse. It is a function of principles. Life operates based on principles and standards and once the divinely laid down principles are violated or disrespected, things go the other way.
There is equally a category of people that get married but lose their peace shortly after wedding or get their marital peace truncated after several years of marriage.
Who are those people that may not find peace in premarital or marital relationship?
1. THOSE WHO HAVE SURRENDERED THEIR LIVES TO THE CONTROL OF SOCIAL MEDIA: Information from the mass media and those that proceed from facebook, wassap, instagram and other platforms of social media are supposed to be part of benefits of technological advancement. The internet is like a market place containing useful, useless untrue, true, helpful and destructive information. Unfortunately, many people have allowed just any information received from these sources to influence their lives and even alter their positive belief systems.
For instance, a popular actress, actor or pastor who has recorded failure in marital journey in form of teenage pregnancy, infidelity or abortion comes to the social media and begins to propagate his or her experience as a standard for emulation rather than the Holy Bible; advises young people not to bother about avoiding fornication and that it is not possible. He or she advises them to distrust any opposite sex they see, portraying all men or all ladies as having the same character. Some moral rejects and destiny destroyers even teach on social media that it is unwise to stick to only one sexual partner.
Now, gullible people who have sold their lives to the control of social media information, suddenly begin to suspect or distrust someone they had been married to peacefully for years and begin to act abnormally towards the person. Gradually, the marriage begins to shake unnecessarily until the unimaginable happens. Many people have suddenly withdrawn show of love to a life partner they initially loved so much, just because someone on the social media narrated a marriage betrayal story. Many singles have also developed unnecessary fear for marriage because a social media story taught them not to trust anybody enough to marry the person. What is all this? Are there any two human beings in this world that are exactly the same in everything?
It is addiction to social media information that has pushed many couples into exposing their private and domestic affairs through the social media. At the end of ‘Comments, Likes and Share’, a marriage is broken.
If you intend to ever find peace in marital or premarital relationship, it is not everything you read on the social media or news you hear that you should preoccupy your thoughts with. Stop using them as a yardstick for your life. Only the word of God in the Holy Bible is the standard for Christian living and it is tested and trusted.
“The words of the LORD are pure words: as silver tried in a furnace of earth, purified seven times” (Psalm 12:6).
2. HIT-AND-RUN PEOPLE: If you are a guy that goes about getting ladies pregnant indiscriminately without caring about what happens to the pregnancy, you can never have peace in marriage. There are bound to be interruptions to your peace as long as you live and those children and their mothers are alive, except you repent, amend your ways and reconcile with them. The same applies to a lady that goes about getting pregnant for strangers and throwing away the babies. If you are a lady that dupes or even robs guys after sleeping with them, wait for a crisis ridden future. If you are a heart breaker in relationship with the opposite sex, you cannot have a peaceful marriage.
3. THOSE WITH THE WRONG MINDSET: I once boarded a commercial vehicle and the driver, who was less than 40 years old in the course of our interaction, lamented to me that he had three wives and 13 children, a situation he regrets.
‘How come you have three wives at such a young age?” I asked.
“When I was younger, I was in the midst of friends, with whom I shared the belief that having plenty wives and children is a sign of smartness and an achievement. Now, I am stuck. How much can this commercial vehicle generate for me to meet up with my responsibilities? Sometimes, I feel like abandoning them and running away from the country.”
“That will still not solve your problems, my dear. You will only save a bigger problem for a latter date when they will grow up and ask for their irresponsible daddy,” I said.
This is one case of wrong orientation. Marriage is one of the many good things created by God but it is not a child’s play. If you enter the marital institution with the wrong orientation, mindset and attitude, it could lead to marital crisis and eventual failure. Above all, destinies are truncated against the WILL of the creator.
“Do not be conformed to this world but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable, and perfect will of God” (Romans 12:2).
Once you have a wrong mindset and orientation regarding marriage, you can never find peace in marriage.
There are so many wrong mindsets out there that ruins peace of mind in marriage.
The thinking that once there is enough money, no other thing is needed for marriage to be peaceful, is very wrong. If you disagree, explain to me why divorce rate among billionaire couples is increasing. Building the strings of your marital relationship around money alone is a recipe for marital crisis and eventual failure.
The mindset that there has to be a sexual intercourse before official marriage rites is wrong. It creates a journey into a marital relationship outside godliness. Such a marriage has sin as its foundation fence. This is just a sinking sand waiting for the day of occurrence. Besides, trust here is difficult because there has never been respect for the sanctity of marital sex. Eventually, there will be trouble. Premarital sex does not secure a marriage. It can only secure a wedding ceremony. Wedding ceremony is a one-day affair. Marriage is a lifetime affair.
The mindset that it is only people who share tribe or language with you that should be married is wrong. Such mindset has offered people delay in getting married. Even when inter-tribal marriage occurs, trust is threatened and sometimes, destroyed. Then, peace disappears.
The mindset that all men and all women are the same is wrong. Every individual in this world is peculiar and therefore, should be perceived differently. Besides, husband is different from man. Wife is different from woman. If you perceive your spouse the way you perceive other people of the same gender, your marriage is in danger.
4. THOSE WHO MARRY UNPREPARED: Many marriages that lack spiritual, psychological and emotional seal are marriages that were entered into without preparation. Some people married their partners because of accidental pregnancies. Some married because they saw their mates do so. Others married without any form of preparations. Some have even married strangers and when these people meet the components of marriage some of which are emotional, they start thinking of jumping out of the institution. If you do not prepare for marriage before entering it, you cannot live a peaceful marital life.
“For Ezra had PREPARED HIS HEART to seek the law of the Lord, and to do it, and to teach statutes and ordinances in Israel” (Ezra 7:10).
Because marital relationship is God’s initiative and not man’s idea, you must prepare your heart to operate in it according to the law of God. That is, God’s syllabus or instruction provided in the Holy Bible. If you run marriage your own way, you are in trouble.
As an unmarried person, you might have heard several stories of how marriages are failing and how people have to be ‘smart’ by forgetting about Bible and following the path of sin in their marital relationship. If you join the multitude to do evil (Exodus 23:2), peace will elude your marital relationship.
Maybe you are even a married person who is currently afraid of what your marital future holds. “If you would prepare your heart and stretch forth your hands towards Him; if iniquity were in your hand and you put it far away and would not let wickedness dwell in your tents; Then, surely, you could lift up your face without spot. Yes. You would be steadfast and not fear because you would forget your mystery and remember it as waters that passed away and your life would be brighter than noonday. Though you were dark, you would be like the morning and you would be secure because there is hope. Yes. You would dig around you and take your rest in safety. You would also lie down and no one would make you afraid. Yes. Many would count your favour” (Job 11:13-19).
5. THOSE WHOSE HEARTS ARE IMPURE, DISHONEST: If you are not ready for marriage, please stop lying to people that you will marry them without intention to do so. If you continue, you are sowing a seed of anti-destiny bullet that will sooner or later, backfire and take away your peace that will only require God’s mercy to recover. You cannot have a peaceful marriage with a dishonest lifestyle. You must enter the marital institution with a pure and honest heart. When your heart is pure and honest, you will see the hand of God who looks at the heart.
“Blessed are the PURE IN HEART for they shall see God” (Matthew 5:8).
As a husband or wife, let your spouse see your heart from your attitudes and lifestyle. Don’t hide things from your spouse when two of you are supposed to be one. If you defraud, deceive or lie to your spouse, you cannot see the hand of God in that relationship because he abhors sin. God is of honesty and purity and not deceit.
“Blessed are the PURE IN HEART for they shall see God” (Matthew 5:8). There cannot be peace in a marital relationship where God is not a superior factor.
6. THOSE WHO MARRY SOMEONE THEY DON’T TRULY LOVE: You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving. If you have as fiance or fiancée, someone you find it difficult to share confidential information with, there is an issue.
If you have told someone or agreed with someone that you will marry the person and you always struggle to offer material gifts, time and other evidences of godly love to the person, you have to review that relationship. You must approach marriage with a heart of love for the marriage to be peaceful.
Love alone may not sustain marriage but love is a PERMANENT FACTOR in determining marital success. Just as you have a shadow that cannot be avoided, love cannot be avoided in marriage. If you desire peace in marriage, do not risk marrying someone you know you do not truly love. Marital relationship without love is like a car with a weak engine or without any. If you are married and you find it difficult to forgive offence done to you by your spouse, you have love issues because “Hatred stirs up strife but love covers all sins” (Proverbs 10:12).
“And now, abide faith, hope, love, these three, but the greatest of these is love” (1st Corinthians 13:13).
If you claim to be a Christian and you do not love your spouse, you will struggle with peace in this life because you are God’s enemy.
“He who does not love does not know God for God is love” (1st John 4:8). Church title or activity can never break this scripture.
Enter the marital institution with a genuinely loving heart. This is part of the part you are expected to play to find peace in marriage.
7. THOSE WHO ARE UNFAITHFUL: If you believe that it is natural to be unfaithful to someone’s spouse, you are not ready for a peaceful marriage. God is a faithful God and always rewards faithfulness. If you are married and you are unfaithful to your spouse, trouble looms. I pity your future because there is always a future and punishment for wickedness. You seem to have forgotten this. ALL THROUGH YOUR LIFE’S JOURNEY, YOUR RESPONSE TO EACH TEMPTATION GOES INTO YOUR FUTURE TO WAIT FOR YOU WITH A RESULT. God will only make a commitment to give you peace in marriage if you are faithful.
“Good understanding gains favour but the way of the UNFAITHFUL is hard” (Proverbs 13:15).
Unfaithfulness creates hardship in marriage. Your marital vow is not a joke. There are consequences when you break it. One of the consequences is hardship. Unfortunately, this hardship manifests most times, when you approach your old age; when you are supposed to enjoy the peace of retirement; the fruits of your labour of children’s upbringing.
If you are unfaithful to your spouse, you are not ready for a peaceful marriage.
8. THOSE WHO THINK THEY ARE WISER THAN GOD: (Proverbs 3:5-6) Because the marital institution is God’s initiative, you need a God-inclined heart to find peace in it. If your heart has been broken severally by members of the opposite sex and you are embarking on marriage with a vengeance mission, your heart is not God-inclined. Therefore, you cannot find peace in marriage.
“Now therefore,’ he said, put away the foreign gods which are among you and INCLINE YOUR HEART to the Lord God of Israel” (Joshua 24:23).
Unforgiveness is a foreign god. Fornication is a foreign god. So is adultery. Wisdom of the world in form of deceit and pride are foreign gods. You must put them away from your heart for God to bless your premarital or marital relationship.
If before now, your heart has been inclined towards a foreign god, you need to repent and confess your sins before God. You can possibly fast and pray for forgiveness. Otherwise, you may never find peace in marriage.
9. THOSE WHO CAN’T ACCOMMODATE & LACK UNDERSTSNDING: “The heart of him who has understanding seeks knowledge but the mouth of fools feeds on foolishness” (Proverbs 15:14).
If you do not have an understanding heart, do not bother to marry anybody because there cannot be peace. The Cambridge Advanced Learner’s Dictionary describes the word “Understanding” as “knowledge about a subject, situation, etc, or about how something works.”
It is also “a positive, honest, sympathetic relationship between two people or groups.” It is equally “an informal agreement between people.” Again, it is “the ability to know how someone else is feeling or what the person’s situation is and can forgive the person if the person does something wrong.”
From the above explanations, it is right to say that the word MISUNDERSTANDING means that someone “missed to understand.” So, when there is a conflict in a premarital or marital relationship, what is needed is that each party should seek to understand the other party rather than embark on blame game. Otherwise, there will not be peace.
“Good UNDERSTANDING GAINS FAVOUR but the way of the UNFAITHFUL is HARD” (Proverbs 13:15).
As a single person that aspires to get married someday and live a peaceful marital life, if you want your marriage to be outstanding, you must seek some level of understanding of the institution before you enroll in this university that has no graduation date.
Today, many young people have the ambition or desire to get married and have a peaceful marriage. Ironically, many of them are not interested in information gathering and research on this subject. If you are single and intend to have a joyful marriage but you are not interested in reading marriage books, attending marriage seminars or even interacting with the married, to gather experiences, you are deceiving yourself. You don’t even want to know what the Bible says about marriage? Sorry!
There are too many things you need to understand about marriage before you embark on premarital relationship if you hope to have a peaceful marriage. You need to understand God’s prescribed procedures and processes of choosing a life partner. Is courtship and engagement possible without sin of fornication? How? What about the viruses that can ensure failure in marriage such as wrong orientation or mentality, addiction to public opinion, disobedience to God’s word, bad habit, religious ignorance and so on?
If you desire a peaceful marriage, you must develop your understanding capacity and your capacity to understand your spouse. You can place an order for your copy of the book, MAKING YOUR MARRIAGE WORK by Albinus Chiedu. This will help you.
If you jump into marriage without understanding, you will distort your destiny, deny yourself of all gains and favour that God has packaged for you, expose yourself to unnecessary hardship and lose your peace, maybe, permanently.
What is your purpose of wanting to get married? Does it align with God’s purpose for inventing marriage? Marriage is not man’s idea. It originated from God. Every brand new car comes with a manufacturer’s manual. Any attempt to operate the car outside the manual’s specifications will lead to problems. In the same vein, any attempt to operate marriage outside the standards of its originator as specified in his word will result in crisis.
As a married man, you need to understand your spouse if you desire to have peace in that relationship and the gains and favours that marriage offers.
“Good UNDERSTANDING GAINS FAVOUR but the way of the UNFAITHFUL is HARD. Every prudent man acts with knowledge but a fool lays open his folly”.
A lot of things that your spouse could do that offends you, might not annoy you or mean anything to you if you have understanding. For instance, you both work. Your wife combines her rigorous office duties with domestic responsibilities. On this particular day, because of the pressure of work in the office, she could not meet up with getting the meal ready as usual. If you shout and make trouble after she has apologized for this incident, you lack understanding.
Your husband recently invested in a private business from his salary as agreed by you both. As a result, he now struggles with certain financial responsibilities like buying you clothes and shoes. If you make any trouble out of this development, you lack understanding and may not find peace.
Without understanding, there can be no gain or favour in marriage. The truth is that many people love peaceful marriage but they are not ready to do what a peaceful marriage requires. Many have failed due to simple ignorance.
“…the way of the unfaithful is hard.” Unfaithfulness creates hardship and indicates lack of understanding.
When you commit adultery, you violate the wedding vow, which was a covenant made before God at his altar. This action can deny you peace for ever. He can never forget the covenant. Your marital vow is not a joke. There are consequences when you break it. One of the consequences is hardship. Unfortunately, this hardship manifests most times when you approach your old age; when you are supposed to enjoy the peace of retirement, the fruits of your labour of children’s upbringing.
If you are married but lack enough understanding of this institution you have entered, seek understanding so that you can find peace. No marriage can ever be outstanding without understanding.
10. IMPATIENT PEOPLE: If you are an impatient person, you may not find peace in marriage. Marriage requires patience. You need patience to wait for wedding day before having sexual intercourse with your partner. You need patience to be able to devote time to courtship, prayers and observation of certain characters of the person you intend to marry. In fact, patience is part of a test of your faith in God regarding your marital relationship (James 1:3).
Maybe you are married but you are beginning to feel that you should leave the marriage because you have waited for so long in vain to see changes. You are wrong, you know. Allow patience to complete its work. It takes time sometimes. That is why it is called patience. If you are not a patient person, peace will be elusive in marriage.
“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing” (James 1:2-4).
As a marriage teacher, I can tell you from experience that there is nothing you are experiencing in your marriage that someone has not experienced before and overcame or came out of it.
If you are born again and you have involved God in your marital relationship right from the level of premarital relationship and yet, you are experiencing some terrible challenge that you see now, it does not in any way, suggest that God has failed because he can never fail. THE TRIAL YOU CURRENTLY FACE IN YOUR MARRIAGE MAY NOT NECESSARILY IMPLY THE ABSENCE OF GOD’S PRESENCE IN THE MARRIAGE BECAUSE GOD IS OMNIPRESENT.
Apart from the possibility of spiritual attacks on your marital relationship, God has confidence in you as a Christian that you can stand this temptation and overcome it. Otherwise, he would not have allowed it. Read the story of Job, a righteous man. You will confirm this. You need more grace for a patient heart. Receive it in Jesus name!
““No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (1st Corinthians 10:13 NIV).
Patience is a fruit that every born again Christian is expected to have. If you do not have patience, you are not prepared for a peaceful marriage at all because your patience MUST be tried in marriage. Do you desire a lasting marriage? Draw closer to God and develop the spirit of patience.
Nobody can have a peaceful marriage without allowing the prince of peace to rule over his or her heart. Only Jesus Christ offers the peace that passeth man’s understanding. “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you” (John 14:27).
Surrender your marital issues to the prince of peace. Then, you can have a peaceful marriage. Your marriage shall be a blessing and a testimony in Jesus name.
FOR QUESTIONS, PRAYERS, COUNSEL, CONTACT
Pastor Albinus Chiedu